Solo Christo

January 7th, 2018

There are some times when I am so overcome by emotion that it quite literally feels as if my heart is the source of this powerful and overwhelming feeling coursing through my body. It’s almost like an ache in my chest. It overtakes my mind; it consumes me.

This happens on either end of the spectrum – incredible, uncontainable joy, or deep despair and sorrow. I’m not sure if it’s because of genetics, or life experiences, or divine intervention, but it’s the way I’m programmed. It’s both a blessing and a curse. I experience life abundantly in both the highs and the lows. There is a small margin for the in between.

Maybe that all sounds a little extreme, but I wish sometimes that others could experience this just to understand the feeling.

We left El Salvador yesterday morning, and being back in the States, I find myself oscillating between two extremes: looking back on the week filled to the brim with gratitude and joy, and then feeling sort of dejected and maybe even a little lost. Even reading the words, the latter to me seems odd, considering we just got back from a week long medical mission trip. I mean, the people were amazing all around! It was hardly a few hours before I already started to miss the team. How in the world did I come to love these people so much in seven days?

And the church members there felt like long lost family members by the end of the week. Jimmy was practically our guardian angel. He always expressed his amazement at our work, but wow, this trip would be nothing without his dedication. Our team loves him and his family more than we could ever express in words.

But that’s only the half of it. Each day we interacted with hundreds of strangers (1,452 total patients seen this week!) who came to us looking for healing and answers to why they were hurting. And we did help a lot of people!

A ten year old boy with Cerebral Palsy walked for what I believe to be the first time thanks to his sweet new dinosaur AFOs and rolling walker. There’s nothing like the joy of a child. We traded out old, damaged canes for new, properly fitted ones. We treated lots and lots of neck/shoulder pain. People tend to carry their stress there, and the El Salvadorians had some of the most tense necks I’ve ever felt.

Their stories are burdened with destruction and difficulty that I can’t even imagine. Yesterday I met a woman with diabetes who didn’t have the money to get food, which led to dizzy spells and pain. She couldn’t provide for herself and she was getting kicked out of her living situation. The same day there was a husband and wife that came hoping for a miracle, only to find that their four-month-old baby had a hole in her heart that can only be fixed with surgery (which is not available in El Salvador). I imagine the helplessness I felt in those situations doesn’t even tip the scale in comparison to what they feel.

I think throughout the week it was easy for me to lose sight of the individual, and the story, behind each patient. I’m realizing the importance of “patient first language.” Using “the patient who had a stroke” instead of saying “the stroke patient.” There are souls underneath the movement dysfunction we see! My only regret is not being more aware of that earlier on.

After the first day of clinic on Monday we actually had some down time and a few of us were sitting around and got to sharing parts of our stories. Connecting with people by blowing past the surface level is what I live for. I was designed for deep conversations and meaningful relationships with people, and honestly, that night getting to hear the “everyone is surprised when I tell them so and so about my life” from our team members was probably the highlight of the trip for me.

Everyone wants to know that they’re cared for. They want to know that their story matters and that there is purpose even in their broken and messy lives. Why do we ignore this and only scratch the surface in our interactions with others? We were meant for so much more! We’re missing out! Jesus didn’t come to this disastrous world to suffer and die for our sake, only to have us experience life on a superficial level.

It’s always amazing to me when I get to step back and take a look at the bigger picture (masterpiece, really) that the Lord has carefully, and very purposefully pieced together. I’m not even sure if this person remembers this, but on our bus ride from First Baptist Church to the airport in Springfield when we were heading out, one of our team members asked me what my necklace said. It’s one I got more than two years ago and I never take it off, so ironically, sometimes I forget about it. I told him that is said “chosen” in Hebrew, but that was all really that was said about it.

Fast forward to 6 days later as we’re sitting in the Friday night service at the church in El Salvador and the message has me feeling like the Lord is holding my face and looking me straight in the eyes as He’s telling me something. I’m having a hard time remembering exactly what it was (it started with a passage somewhere in Romans), but I think it was pretty clear that the Lord wanted me to know that no matter what emotions I feel or how strongly they come on, I am still one of His chosen people and His promises still hold true. I think He knows I tend to forget this when my emotions overtake me. Jesus experienced emotions deeply, but our relationship with Him is not built solely upon that.

Another one of my favorite things that happened was getting to sing in front of the church as a team. We chose the song “None But Jesus” and I think it so beautifully sums up why we went to El Salvador. Whether we know it or not, Jesus, in some way or another, has called to us so we can find Him and serve Him. I don’t want to live any other way and there is no one else for me. None but Jesus. Solo Cristo.

At the end of the day, I think I’m glad to have been able to experience highs and lows so deeply (even though sometimes in the moment it doesn’t feel like it). Through all of it, and by the grace of God, I live an abundant life.

-Nicole